But these were different. There were two of them for a start. They weren't hairy. And they were female. Two sexy girls. And probably a bit adventurous as well or they wouldn't be out hitch-hiking!
I stopped to pick them up.
"Where to?" I asked.
"Fort William, Babes," they replied in unison.
Only about forty miles out my way, but then they really did look sexy.
"Hop in," I said, "it's where I'm going."
They were both medium height, fake sun-tanned, pretty, big bosoms, short shorts, blonde hair in a pony tail. They talked in that Estuary English that you associate with girls from Essex. Essex girls! You couldn't want for better as hitch-hikers,
Those of you from the planet Zog or America may not know what an Essex girl is.
The Times says:
"In the typology of the British, there is a special place reserved for Essex Girl - a young female from London's eastern suburbs who dresses in white strappy sandals and suntan oil, streaks her hair blond, has a command of Spanish that runs only to the word Ibiza, and perfects an air of tarty prettiness."
That was them to a 'T' or is that a 'Tee' - I'm never quite sure which.
"Why are you goin' to Fort William then? You goin' for the festival too Babes?"
In place of the letter 'T' in their speech you must imagine that sort of guttural glitch known as a glottal stop.
"What festival?"
"Wot' festival. You don' know wot festival. Wot'r you like! Wot's 'e like Chardonnay!"
"Shut up Sapphire! You know wot 'es like. 'Es like the sort wot picks up girls wot's 'itch-'iking!"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
You must not imagine that for an Essex girl the expletive 'Shut up' expresses a desire for the other person to cease talking. It is simply an indication that you believe the speaker to be saying something a little outrageous.
"Wot'r you like!"
It appeared that there was a rock festival at Fort William. Though a more God forsaken spot for a festival in August would be harder to imagine. It rained continuously in the north-west in August and the midgies would be out in force.
"You like rolling naked in the mud then?"
Not the sort of question I would normally ask a lady, but these were Essex girls after all.
"Naked in the mud. Did you 'ear that Chardonnay! Wot's 'e like. Wot'r you like!"
"Shut up! 'Es a nice boy 'e is. 'Undred percent. Definitely!"
"Shut up! You been to Ibiza then Babes?"
She pronounced it Eye-beetha.
"Well yes."
"You go nuddie-dipping then Babes? Me and Chardonnay went nuddie-dippin' in Ibiza didn't we Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! Omigahd yes!"
"No I didn't, but I did see it was popular."
"I bet you went to see the girls in the nuddie didn't you Babes. 'Ere - do you think 'e saw us in the nuddie Chardonnay?"
"Omigahd! Shut up!"
"You'd like to see us in the nuddie wouldn't you Babes?"
I felt my face go a little red.
"'Ere 'e would. Wot'r you like! Wot's 'e like Chardonnay!"
"Shut up!"
"'Ere - you remember the day those blokes nicked our things and we 'ad to walk back to the 'otel in the altogether. You remember Chardonnay?"
"Omigahd! Shut up!"
"We wos well embarrassed. Wosn't we Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! One 'undred percent. Definitely!"
"Still - got us fixed for a few nights."
"Fixed?"
"Yeah! You know. Them Spanish blokes know 'ow to give a girl a good time. Three in a bed weren't it Chardonnay?"
"Shut up!"
"'Ere. 'E's gone bright red. Wot'r you like! Wot's 'e like eh Chardonnay."
"Nice bloke 'e is Sapphire. 'Undred percent! Definitely!"
"'Ere, I need a pee. You need a pee Chardonnay?"
"'Yeah. Undred percent! Definitely!"
"'Ere, look at that sign, there's like a picnic place coming up. We can stop there Babes."
"I don't think there are any conveniences there."
"Conveniences! Wot'r you like! Wot's 'e like! Me and Chardonnay'll just nip in the bushes won't we Chardonnay?"
"Shut up!"
So I pulled into the picnic spot car park. There were half a dozen cars and people sitting round the picnic tables.
"Me and Chardonnay'll just nip in the woods like. You comin' with us then Babes?"
"Sorry?"
"You comin' with us Babes? You need a pee as well?"
It was still two hours to Fort William. It seemed sensible.
The girls marched in front of me into the woods, their feet flopping in their sling-back sandals, half their bums visible under their high cut shorts. We got a few hundred yards into the woods.
"'Ere, this'll do."
"'Undred percent! Definitely!"
And the girls pulled their shorts down. My God! They were just going to pee there in the open - not even hiding behind a bush!
I turned my back and put my hands over my face.
"'Ere, wot's 'e like! 'E's gone all red Chardonnay! Wot's 'e like!"
"You not goin' to pee then Babes?"
"Er... No thank you."
"Wot's he like! 'Ere, Chardonnay, look over there. There's a sort of like lake. Fancy nuddie dippin'?"
"One 'undred percent. Definitely!"
"They call it a loch round here," I still had my hands over my eyes.
"A lock! Wot'r they like!"
And I turned round to see the girls running towards one of those small mountain lochs that are scattered around the western highlands.
"You comin' in then Babes?"
Sapphire already had her top off. She wasn't wearing a bra and her two giant watermelons stood out with no visible means of support.
"You like 'em Babes? All my own too!" And she stuck her chest out as if to accentuate the fact.
Chardonnay had hers out too. They were if anything slightly bigger.
"Sure you don't want to join us Babes? Big boy like you. We're three in a bed girls we are, aren't we Chardonnay?"
She had unfastened her shorts and was wiggling her hips to slide them down to the ground.
"Er... No thank you," I said. Strip naked in front of girls! Eek! Chardonnay didn't seem to have anything on under her shorts. My eyes were fixed on her, bending over, legs straight, pulling her shorts down below her knees. She had the most magnificent bottom I'd ever seen.
"You sure Babes? 'Ere, Chardonnay, you keeping yer thong on?"
"No way!"
I took off my jacket in the hot sunshine and sat down to watch. It was only then that I noticed they were both wearing the most minuscule panties I'd ever seen. Not that I'd seen many. Or indeed any.
They wriggle their panties to the ground. Their bodies were magnificent. Nut brown. Somebody must have had fun spraying it on! And waxed smooth and sleek.
My eyes were drawn down. Well they would be wouldn't they. The girls had decorated down there with glitter.
"Ere, 'e's enjoying our vajazzles Chardonnay! You like our vajazzles Babes? Wot's 'e like Chardonnay!"
The girls ran screaming to the water. As well they might. Those mountain lochs are freezing cold. They got about as far as dipping their toes in and ran screaming back out.
It was then that I had the mad idea. Maybe it had been the giant watermelons, or possible the magnificent behind or more likely the vajazzles, but I was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to play a prank on them.
They had told me how some bloke had stolen their clothes on Ibiza when they were skinny dipping. Why shouldn't I do the same! They'd have to run back to the car in their birthday suits! All the way across the crowded picnic site. It would be a laugh. Sorry - a larf!
I picked up their things.
"See you back at the car girls!"
"'Ere, wot'r you doin' Babes?"
"See you back at the car girls!"
"'Ere, wot'r you doin' Babes?"
"Omigahd! 'E's nicking our clothes Sapphire! Wot's 'e like! Wot'r you like Babes?"
"Shut up!"
"Just borrowing them. See you back in the car park girls."
It was so funny watching them run back to the car.
They weres stark naked, trying to cover their vajazzles and their boobs with their hands - and when you've got boobs that big it's a losing battle to keep them covered.
I laughed, nearly as much as all the picnickers laughed, watching the nude girls running across the hard ground in their bare feet, boobs bouncing, bums wobbling. It really was funny.
"Wot's 'e like! Wot'r you like," gasped Sapphire as she climbed back in the car and pulled up her shorts, "Omigahd! Wot's 'e like Chardonnay."
"Did you enjoy that girls?"
"Not as much as I'm going to enjoy this Babes," and she opened her hand to show me my car keys.
"You left 'em in your jacket Babes!"
How could I have been so stupid as to leave them there.
"Give them here Sapphire!"
"Little forfeit for them Babes!" And she dropped them down the front of her tee shirt so that they nestled between her capacious bosoms. Not a place from which I could extract them by force.
"Wot shall we do with 'im Chardonnay? Same as we did with that bloke in Ibiza shall we."
"Omigahd! Wot'r you like. One 'undred percent. Definitely!"
"Bloke in Ibiza?" I looked from one to the other. What had they made the bloke in Ibiza do?
"Yeah Babes. 'E went nuddie dipping. After we told 'im to of course."
"But..."
"No buts Babes," she climbed out the car, "you comin' Chardonnay, this we gotta see!"
I followed them back up the path to the loch. Were thry really going to make me go skinny dipping!
"Come on Babes. In the nuddie. Fair's fair! Tit for tat. You've seen our tits Babes. We see your tat. That right Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent! Definitely!"
I didn't have much choice. I started to take my clothes off. It had seemed so funny when the girls had done it. Seeing them prancing around in the nude. It was a bit different now. It suddenly seemed obvious it was out in the open. Only ten minutes from a picnic spot. Anybody could come along any time. And I was going to have to strip naked with two girls watching.
"Come on Babes. We're waiting," Sapphire patted her ample bosoms to indicate the location of those keys which I needed so urgently.
I looked round nervously. I was standing in my underpants at the side of the loch in the cool afternoon breeze. What if somebody came along! I felt my legs trembling. I had enjoyed my silly prank, but the boot was on the other foot now. The girls had the whip hand.
I pulled my underpants down. I never liked those boxer shorts things, they don't give any support, and I feel I like a bit of support.
"Omigahd Chardonnay! Wot's 'e like."
"Shut up! Wee Willy Winkie that's wot 'e's like!"
From which you'll gather that the girls weren't too impressed. And I'd always thought I had quite a big one! I went as red as a beetroot. Not only could the girls see my penis, they were discussing it!
"In you go Babes. Right the way in."
"But it's freezing. You only dipped your toes in."
"You didn't 'ave our car keys did you!"
I looked round. I was stark naked in the open air. Hikers could come round the corner any moment. I ran into the water. What else could I do?
"Nice bum! Wot you think Chardonnay?"
"One 'undred percent. Definitely!"
The girls could see me naked! I'd never been so embarrassed in my life, and the water was freezing.
"Oh Babes! No way. You've been a naughty boy. All the way in that's wot I reckon. Wot you think Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! One 'undred percent. Definitely!"
I was up to my thighs. I looked round pleadingly. Icy water on my danglies. It didn't bear thinking about.
"Go on Babes," and Sapphire tapped her bosom where the keys were secreted.
I waded out until I was up to my waist. I thought my danglieds would drop off with the cold and my willy had gone completely numb.
I looked on in horror as the girls picked up my clothes.
"No, no , please girls!"
"Tit for tat Babes. Wot did you say. See you back at the car."
"No please! You can't make me do that. Not in the nude."
"Shut up! Wot's 'e like. See you back at the car Babes!"
I would have run after them, but at that moment the thing I dreaded most happened. Two hikers appeared. Women. Perhaps in their thirties. Thank God the water was over my waist! I waited for them to go away, but they sat down by the side of the loch and got out their sandwiches.
They stared out at me standing in the water shivering. They were set for a while and I was going to have to get out now if my penis wasn't going to drop off.
I thought I ought to warn them, but I was too embarrassed to say anything, in fact I was too embarrassed to get out, too embarrassed to do anything. It was a battle between acute embarrassment on one side and the risk of my penis dropping off on the other. In the end my penis won. I was going to have to get out.
I waded towards the shore, and as I did so the water level dropped and my penis came into view.
Now, imagine you're a lady hiker and you see a nude man emerging from a freezing loch. What is the polite thing to do? I'll tell you. You should ignore the fact that he is in the nude, nod in a friendly manner and wish him a good day.
What you should not do is...
"Good God, I've never seen one that small before..."
...make a rude comment about the size of his penis.
Of course it was small. It had been immersed in freezing cold water for twenty minutes.
I nearly died of embarrassment. All I could think to say was...
"Sorry..."
Although whether I was apologizing for my nudity or the size of my penis wasn't clear."
"Don't worry dear," said the lady, "not everybody can have a big one."
What was I doing! Standing stark naked out in the open discussing the size of my penis.
"It's the cold..." I gabbled.
"That," said the lady, "is what they all say," and she went back to eating her sandwich, "Don't you agree Morag?"
"Definitely," said Morag, but she didn't add 'One hundred percent'.
There was nothing for it. I clapped my hands over my willy and ran as best I could back to the car park. The big ordeal was yet to come. The nude walk across the picnic site. I'd put the girls through it, and now they were about to put me through it. Me and my silly pranks. The tables had been well and truly turned.
I stared out over the picnic area. I'd moved the car right over to the far side to give the girls the longest walk in the open possible. Hoist by my own petard as the saying goes. It was a walk I was going to have to do now. Completely nude. With everybody watching.
What would people say? What would people do? Everybody had laughed at the girls. It was odds on they were going to laugh at me.
I remembered the way their boobies had bounced up and down as they scampered across the stony ground. I guessed what my willy would do if I tried the same thing. It would bounce up and down or swing round and round like a pendulum. And you look such a fool trying to hide your willy with your hands, as if everyone didn't know that you had one!
So I decided to walk across. Look unconcerned. As if it were perfectly natural to be strolling naked across a picnic site. It was a sensible decision. It was just difficult to do. My face was burning, my legs were trembling. I was about to be exposed nude and there was nothing I could do about it.
In the end I just had to pluck up courage and walk across. I kept my eyes glued straight ahead, knowing that all eyes on the picnic sight would be glued on my naked body.
My legs were trembling more and more; I could feel my face getting redder and redder. It was no good. I couldn't bear it any longer. I ran. My balls bounced and my willy flapped and I ran. People started to run after me but I reached the car.
Sapphire opened the door and I leapt in.
"Awesome Babes," said Sapphire, "wot's 'e like Chardonnay?"
"Awesome," said Chardonnay, "one 'undred percent definitely!"
"Better get driving Babes."
The key was in the ignition. People were getting near the car. I started the engine and set off.
It was only when I got onto the road that it dawned on me that I was driving the car naked.
"Where's my clothes girls?"
"Back at the picnic site Babes. We're not finished with you yet Babes, are we Chardonnay?"
"Definitely not," said Chardonnay, "One 'undred percent definitely not."
I stopped the car and started to turn round.
"What you doin' Babes?"
"Going back for my clothes."
"Can't do that Babes."
"But I have to. I'm stark naked. This is a hire car. There's nothing else to wear in it"
"Wot'r you like Babes? You're supposed to be naked. That's the whole point Babes. Anyway no good 'im going back for 'is clothes is there Chardonnnay?"
"No way. 'Undred percent. Cos we like 'id 'em didn't we?"
"That's right Babes. You're like our little naked boy now and you do wot we say. That's wot we told that bloke in Ibiza didn't we Chardonnay?"
"Right on. 'Undred percent. Definitely."
"Made 'im cry, didn't we Chardonnay?"
"That wos becos you kicked 'im where it 'urts. Brought tears to 'is eyes that did. 'Undred percent. Definitely."
"Well 'e should of behaved 'imself. You goin' to behave yourself Babes?"
"A hundred percent," I said starting the car, "Definitely."
And so I drove on, weakly giving into the demands of the girls and further and further from my clothes. I was completely nude and I had absolutely nothing to wear. My position was hopeless. What on earth was I going to do?
A light started flashing on the dash.
"We're short of petrol girls. We'll not make it to Fort William."
"Well you'll just 'ave to stop and get some, won't you Babes. Won't 'e Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! Course 'e will."
A horrible thought struck me.
"My wallet! All my money's in my jacket back at the picnic site."
"Don't be a silly boy. You don't think we left your money back there do you. Your wallets safe down 'ere."
And she extracted it from between her bosoms.
"'Ere," she took out my credit card, "you can pay with this Babes."
"Me! Pay! But I've got nothing on."
"So you 'ave Babes. And very nice you look too. Doesn't 'e look nice Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent. Definitely."
"There you are Babes. Even Chardonnay thinks so, and she usually likes big boys. Look Babes, there's a petrol station coming up."
"Please girls, please don't make me," I was begging, tears were beginning to well up. They'd made the bloke in Ibiza cry. They were about to make me cry.
"Oh Babes, don't you want to show off your wee willy winkie. Wot's 'e like Chardonnay. Wot'r you like Babes."
"My what?
"Your wee willy winkie Babes.. This," I yelped. Sitting In the front seat next to me she had just tickled my bare penis.
"Oh! 'E likes that Chardonnay," I yelped again as she gave it another tickle. I was so vulnerable driving nude with my penis at her mercy.
"It's not little," I said, "I looked it up. It's average."
"If you say so Babes. If you say so. Turn in 'ere Babes."
I didn't have a choice.
"Go on then Babes. Fil it up with petrol."
"But I'm nude. I can't get out in the nude"
"That's wot that bloke inn Ibiza said, wosn't it Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent. Definitely"
I looked wildly round. It was a small petrol station out in the middle of nowhere. With a horrible sinking feeling I realised I was going to have to do it. With legs shaking I stepped out stark naked on to the forecourt. If I was really quick perhaps I'd get it filled before any more cars came along. My legs trembled violently and my hands shook as I fumbled with the petrol cap. At last I got it off and filled the car up. With a sigh off relief I got back in. Nobody had come along. Sapphire handed me my credit card.
"There you are Babes, run along and pay"
"But I can't go and pay in the nude"
"Got to Babe, that's your punishment. Isn't it Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent. Definitely. Made the bloke in Ibiza cry didn't it?"
"Go on then Babes. You goin' to cry too?"
Tears were welling up again. They were going to make me pay in the nude. I had no choice. They had the whip hand. With shaky legs I walked over to the office with my credit card. A small dark haired girl greeted my arrival grinning all over her face.
"Sorry," I burbled, "so sorry," it was all I could think of to say. I was so embarrassed. My face was burning and my hands were shaking.
"Did they make you do it pet?" She spoke in a light Highland accent.
I nodded.
"I thought as much," she said, "did you deserve it then?" I nodded again.
"Well let's have a good look pet," she said, "Hands on your head. It's pretty boring out here. Not often I get a bit of entertainment."
I took my hands from where they had been vainly trying to hide my penis and put them on my head.
"Very nice," she said, "pity it's such a little one though."
"It's not little. I measured it, it's average. It said so on the website."
"No need to worry pet. I've seen smaller ones. Not many mind. Now where's your credit card."
I paid and rushed back to the car.
"I measured it. I measured it," I protested, as I pulled out. The girl waving as I left the forecourt.
" I measured it. The website said four and a half inches was within normal limits. That's average isn't it?"
"Wot's 'e like, Chardonnay, wot'r you like?"
"Shut up!" Said Chardonnay.
"Tell you wot Babes. We'll measure it later," she gave it another tickle.
I yelped again. There were still thirty miles to go and my penis would be at her mercy the whole way.
"Ooh! 'E likes 'aving 'is little winkie tickled Chardonny."
"Omigahd!" Said Chardonnay, "it's twitching!"
Of course it was twitching. I was stark naked having my winkie, I mean my penis, tickled and unable to protect myself.
"Pleae girls," I was close to crying again with embarrassment, "and I haven't got a little winkie."
"Well who does this belong to then?" Said Sapphire and she tickled it again. I nearly drove off the road.
"Omigahd!" Said Chardonnay, "'E's goin' to 'ave us off the road like that bloke in Ibiza."
"You're right Chardonnay. That was why I kicked 'im in the goolies!"
I drove more carefully after that.
"'Ere, Chardonnay. Shall we see 'ow big it really is? Like get 'im all excited like?"
"Shut up! Wot'r you like. One 'undred percent. Definitely!"
And to my total horror Sapphire started playing with my penis. I had to keep my hands on the wheel. I couldn't stop her.
"Omigahd! Look at that Chardonnay!"
I glanced down. My penis was vertical. Four and a half inches. Within normal limits, that was what the website had said.
"Omigahd! 'Ow did 'e do that? Shrink it in the wash!"
It was so embarrassing. I couldn't keep my hand over my penis and drive at the same time. It was there for all to see.
"'Ere the girls are going to get a good laugh at that aren't they Chardonnay."
"One 'undred percent definitely!"
Girls! What girls! I'd sort of presumed, if I'd thought of it at all, that at some point the girls would let me go and I'd be able to go back to the picnic site and retrieve mu clothes. Now they were talking about showing my penis to some more girls.
"WhaT girls?"
My voice croaked, but I had to ask.
"The girls at the camp site. For the festival of course Babes. The gang'll all be there. Won't the Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! Of course. One 'undred percent. Definitely."
"But I can't go to the camp site with no clothes on."
"Why not Babes? It'll give the girls a laugh. It gave the girls a laugh on Ibiza, didn't it Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! Made 'Im roll in the mud you did. Made 'im cry that's wot you did!"
"You goin' to cry Babes? That'll give the girls a laugh. Specially when they see this."
And she gave my penis another tickle.
"That's right Babes. Keep it up!"
She didn't have to worry. It wouldn't go down. Not when she kept tickling it.
It's not easy driving in the nude is it? There's your feet on the pedals for a start, that's difficult enough. Then there's your bare bottom sticking to the leather of the seat and getting all sweaty. Then there's the girl next to you who keeps tickling your penis, that's very distracting. I'm just saying all this because I don't really think it was my fault that I pulled out of the junction in front of that battered old camper van. The one with the four hippie type girls in it. They had tattoos. I'm always rather intimidated by girls with tattoos, and pierced navels. It always makes me think they must be pierced you-know-where - and that's very intimidating.
Not that there was an actual collision you understand. It was more of a near miss. But they stopped the van in the middle of the road so as I couldn't get past, and came marching up ready for a confrontation. You can't really confront anyone when your in the nude can you?
"Hey you! Asshole! You think you own this road or something?"
It was the leader of the hippie girls and the words came out through a mouthful of gum. She spoke in a sort of Americanised Glaswegian. She didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that I was standing in the middle of the road stark naked.
"Please... I er...," I couldn't say I was having my penis tickled could I? I was going to say I was sorry. It seemed the politic thing to say, but Sapphire intervened.
"Don't you let her speak to you like that Babes. He shouldn't let her speak to 'im like that should 'e Chardonnay?"
"Shut up! No way. 'Undred percent Babes. No way."
"You er... Can't speak to me that way," I blurted out. Of course she could, but the Essex Girls had my clothes.
Hippie Girl marched up to me so that her nose was an inch from mine.
"Is that what you think asshole? Well think again"
"Oh, oh, oh, oooooooooh!"
Here's a tip for you. When you are in the nude don't let an angry girl get too close. Your danglies are too vulnerable. But you know that don't you girls? You know when you get your hands round those soft dangly orbs and squeeze tight you're bound to get your own way.
Hippie Girl had me by the danglies and she was squeezing. Tight. It's a lovely sensation isn't it girls? They're so soft a and squeezy you've just got to squeeze tighter.
"Ooooooooooooooooh!"
"Ohmigahd Chardonnay. She's squeezing 'is plums!"
'Oooooooooooooooooh!"
She was squeezing tighter.
"What is it I can't say asshole?"
"Everything, I mean anything, I mean nothing. There's nothing you can't say"
"That's right asshole. There ain't nothing I can't say. Now tell me. What are you?"
"An asshole."
"And what are these two little tarts?"
"'Ere Babes, you can't let 'er say that. 'E can't say that can 'e Chardonnay!" Sapphire was getting indignant, but I didn't notice her coming to my aid.
"Ooooooooooooooooh!"
Not only were my balls being squeezed, they were now being pulled. It was Glasgow versus Essex, always going to be a needle match, but only one was squeezing my plums.
"They're two little tarts and I'm an asshole," I yelled.
"'Ere Babes!"
"That's a good boy," said Hippie Girl, and with that she let go of my plums and pushed me sharply backwards into a patch of stinging nettles.
"Ow, ow, ow," I yelped as my bare bum took the force of the nettles.
"So long asshole," Hippie Girl got back in the old camper van and they drove off.
"What you call us Babes?"
Sapphire was standing with her hands on her hips. She did not look happy.
"Nothing," I replied. The sort of useless response which never works.
"Oh, so we're nothing are we Babes?"
"We'll no I didn't...," I didn't get any further.
"You called us tarts Babes, little tarts."
"But they made me..." I said, "they made me."
"You 'ear that Chardonnay. They made 'im. Shall we make 'im as well?"
"But... But... Please...," I was gabbling. I was standing in the middle of the road and the nude, my face bright red and my legs trembling and I was gabbling.
"Shut up! 'Undred percent. Definitely."
"Fetch one of them stinging nettles Chardonnay"
"Ohmigahd! Shut up! You're not going to...."
"Yes I am Chardonnay. He deserves it doesn't 'e?"
"One 'undred percent. Definitely. All over that little sausage of 'is. That's what 'e deserves."
"Language Chardonnay! We're not tarts you know. But you're right Chardonnay. All over 'is sausage. We're going to make 'im cry. That's wot we're going to do!"
"Please," I was begging. Those of you from parts of the world where stinging nettles don't exist might not understand. Those of you from parts of the world where they do will. The leaves when brushed lightly across bare skin cause an intense stinging burning sensation which lasts for about an hour.
I was dressed in nothing but my bare skin. Chardonnay could apply the nettles anywhere. But the most delicate sensitive part of my body, my penis, was bare and unprotected.
"Please, please...," I burbled. And you would do too wouldn't you?
"Ooh! 'E's starting to cry. You crying Babes? Well this'll bring tears to your eyes. Do the business Chardonnay."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Chardonnay had tickled my bare penis with the nettles. It was the ultimate punishment. My penis was on fire. My eyes were wet. I was blubbing.
"Go on Chardonnay, again."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah'"
My poor penis had been given the treatment all over, from base to tip. It was as hot and red and burning as a Roman Candle. Tears were streaming down my face.
"'Ere, you've made 'im cry Chardonnay. I bet you did that on purpose!"
"'Shut up! Undred percent. Definitely!"
"Back in the car Babes. That's made me bleeding 'ungry. You goin' to get us summink to eat Babes?"
"But I've got nothing on," I burbled as I got in the car. I looked down. My penis had taken on the appearance of a red hot poker.
"You should've thought of that before you called us tarts Babes."
"But she made me'"
"And now I'm making you. There's a pub coming up. You can get some sarnies there."
The thought of going into a pub stark naked sporting bright red penis filled me with horror.
"I won't do it. I won't," I said.
"You want some more of this then Babes?"
And she waved the nettle leaves at me.
I pulled up in front of the pub. Fortunately it looked deserted. Red faced and trembling, hands over my red hot poker, I pushed open the door. It was deserted except for a dark haired lady of a certain age behind the bar.
"And how can I be helping you this fine day?" She said in what sounded like a made up Irish accent.
"Do you have any sandwiches," I mumbled, my voice croaking because my throat was so dry with embarrassment.
"I most certainly have. Some of this fair country's finest rabbit sandwiches. And why would you be entering this fine establishment as naked as the baby Patrick?"
"I um... Er..." I couldn't think of an explanation.
"And would it be that you're one of them naturalists we keep hearing about these fine days?"
"It would," I said, "I mean yes. Please can you get them quickly," I was terrified in case somebody else came in.
She fetched the sandwiches. I had to uncover the red hot poker to give her the money.
"Holy Mother of....," she was lost for words, "and what would that be?"
She pointed at the offending object. It was red enough to glow in the dark.
"I... Er... It.... That is to say..I... Er... Fell into some nettles"
"Then it's the ointment you'll be needing."
"Ointment?"
All I wanted to do was run, but I wasn't going to escape so easily.
"Sure those nettles round here, they're the worst that the good Lord sent to plague us with. That's why I'm having the ointment. Sure and aren't you naturalists always falling in them."
She produced from under the counter a large jar labelled 'Ointment'.
"Here," she came round to the front of the bar, "let me be putting some of this on.
Oh no! She was actually rubbing ointment on my red hot penis. It felt better immediately.
"Ooh! That feels good," I said.
"And would you want finishing off Sir?"
I nodded my head. She rubbed more vigorously.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!"
There's something remarkable about having a red hot penis throbbing with nettle stings. It's remarkably sensitive. It reacts to the slightest touch, and even more to a vigorous one!
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooooooooooooh!!!"
She'd got very vigorous indeed.
"Er... Thank you," I said when she'd finished.
"No need to be thanking me Sir. The pleasure was all mine."
Not entirely. Some of it was mine. I returned to the car with the rabbit sandwiches.
"'Ere Babes. Wot you been doing in there? Me and Chardonnay thought you'd done a runner. Didn't we Chardonnay?"
"Shut up!"
"She had to skin the rabbit," I said, "and she made a good job of it."
"Naughty boy! Wot's 'e like Chardonnay? Wot'r you like?"
And she threw the sandwiches out the window.
**********^
I set off again, driving as best I could with no clothes on.
"Enjoy 'aving your rabbit skinned did you Babes? Did you 'ear wot 'e called it Chardonnay? Wot's 'e like eh? Can I skin your rabbit for you Babes?"
"Oh no!'
"Wot's the matt'r Babes."
"There's a police car behind us and its blue light is flashing."
"Yer'd bett'r stop then Babes."
"But I've got no clothes on!"
"Can't 'elp that Babes."
I pulled up the car and waited while two police women pulled up behind and walked towards us.
"Can ye get oot the car please Sir," said the first as I wound down the window. She was tall, red headed and very stern looking.
"We've had a serious complaint Sir," said the second who was short, fair and mean looking. She made the 'Sir' sound like a threat. They spoke in a broad accent which resembled that of the Krankies. In fact they bore a startling resemblance to the Krankies.
"But I've got no clothes on," I stammered.
"Aye, we can see that Sir," said the tall one, emphasising the 'that' as if it was referring to a part of my anatomy that was could be seen when perhaps it shouldn't.
I got out the car and stood shivering in the knock-kneed naked person covering their naughty bits pose.
"Hands on heid!" ordered the little one.
"Yes Sir!" I said uncovering naughty bits for their approval.
"Aye," said the big one poking my naughty bits with her truncheon, "a... verra... serious... complaint..." and with each word she poked my naughty bits a bit harder. "To do..." she went on, "wi' a skinned rabbit." And she gave me a sharp tap on my dangling orbs.
"Ooooh! Sorry Miss! I didn't mean to Miss!"
"Sorry hasnae anything tae do wi' it!," also giving me a sharp tap on the vulnerables. "What explanation hae ye?"
"Well. She offered to skin the rabbit Miss," I burbled, "and she did."
"Well ye should hae shown more appreciation, that's all I can say! She has put in a complaint. A verra serious complaint."
"But she offered. She did really!"
"And look what ye did," the smaller policewoman held up a package. It was a packet of sandwiches.
"The sandwiches?"
"Aye, ye threw them oot the windy."
"No I didn't."
"Yes ye did. And littering the countryside, is a serious offence."
"But..."
"Ye'll hae tae accompany us tae the station for an official caution."
"But... I've got no clothes on..."
"Or we could administer an unofficial caution."
"Yes, please, anything..."
"Good. Bend over then..."
"What!" She was removing her belt.
"This is how we administer an unofficial caution round these parts. Six on the behind I think Morag."
"Six it is Morag. Lay it on hard mind."
I bent over.. Oh heck! She looked like she had a strong arm.
"'Ere," said Sapphire , "that's not right, is it Chardonnay?"
"No way!" said Chardonnay, "shut up!"
Thank goodness I thought looking round.
"What isn't right?"
"Six whacks for littering. That ain't right. You agree Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent!'
I breathed a sigh of relief. The girls were sticking up for me,
"Should be twelve. You agree Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent."
"Oh! I'm no so sure about that. What do ye think Morag."
"Well, we normally only give six round here Morag."
"Tell you wot," said Sapphire, "we'll each give him six. That seems fair. Wot do you think Chardonnay."
"Shut up! 'Undred percent!'
Morag thought for a long time.
"Six each you say. Aye? Seems reasonable."
"It was a whole packet," said Chardonnay.
"In that case. Aye. Right."
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!..........
"Please Miss please..."
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!..........
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!..........
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!..........
I sat back in the car and set off again wriggling uncomfortably.
"Got off lightly you did Babes," said Sapphire.
"Doesn't feel like it," I said, my bottom still stinging.
"We rubbed some ointment in, didn't we Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent"
"There were four sandwiches in the packet," said Chardonnay, "you could have got six whacks for each."
"I did," I said.
"So you did," said Sapphire, "and fully deserved I say. Wot do you think Chardonnay?"
"'Undred percent."
"Want the rabbit skinning again Babes," said Sapphire, sitting beside me as I drove the car, and tickling the vulnerable parts of my anatomy which I couldn't defend as I was having to steer.
"But you through the sandwiches out!"
"So I did. You going to smack my bottom then?"
"Well..."
"In your dreams Babes. But..." she tickled my vulnerables again, "there are other compensations."
I clashed the gears. Well so would you if your rabbit was getting skinned.
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